Letting go of Expectations

Slogging, as I am, through the tail end of an upper respiratory bug has made my runs tougher than usual this week. As a highly competitive (sometimes) perfectionist, I have been trying to get something out of my weekday runs besides just logging the miles. I do hills, speedwork, or just try to run a few seconds faster than last time. Some days I get obsessed with racing the clock. So much so that I get aggravated with myself when I don't finish faster than I want to. When I first started running, I just wanted to be able to RUN without passing out. When that was doable for a mile or two, I wanted to be able to run farther without any walk intervals. As I began to push through those early goals, I guess it was inevitable that I would eventually want to work on getting faster.

This week I needed to log a minimum of two 5 milers. On Tuesday, I eased slowly through the run, giving myself some leeway due to being sick. I was okay with going slow that ONE day because I allowed that ONE day to be a recuperative day. By today, I was ready to push harder and just "get over it" already. About halfway into my run, I suddenly realized I could do one of two things. I could keep pushing my pace and my body and end up collapsing because I couldn't breathe, or I could back-off, slow down, and finish my run at a pace that I could manage with the hacking, wheezy breaths I was getting through my stuffy nose and post-nasal drippy throat. In that moment, I had to decide what was more important...meeting the pace goal I'd set for myself or finishing. Of course I decided I wanted to finish, so I eased up and finished the run at a slower and relaxed pace.

At first I was ultra annoyed with myself. Thank goodness I'd had the foresight to put a little Jack Johnson on my running playlist this week! I usually run to driving rhythms, booming bass notes pounding out each stride. Jack is way more laid back than my usual stuff, in fact I don't think it's humanly possibly to listen to Jack Johnson and not feel more relaxed. As I began to shift gears into a more laid back attitude, I actually started to really enjoy the last half of the run. Not only that, but I began to give some serious consideration to my goals of late. When I ran my first half marathon, my goal was one most first-time participants have. I just wanted to finish. And not be last. (That competitive part of me made me add that last bit!) The second time, I wanted to be faster. And I was!! More than 10 minutes faster. That's great, but now here I am basically back at the beginning again. I'm training for my first full marathon. I keep saying my goal is just to finish, but is it really?? Didn't I deep-down want to finish in a certain time? Didn't I have secret split times in mind? I realized I've been pushing myself to meet a goal that's potentially unrealistic. Having never run a full marathon distance before, why in the world was I stressing about my pace time? I need to mean it when I say I just want to finish. I need to take time to make more of my runs relaxing and fun. Isn't that what it's all about anyway, at least for non-elite, middle to rear packers like me?

Today I let go of my expectations. I'm not going to push myself for more speed at this point. Eight weeks out from marathon date and weekly base miles getting higher and higher, I need to concentrate on endurance and sticking with it through the big miles. If that means taking a step back, slowing down and enjoying myself, so be it. The speedwork will still be there for me when I get this one under my belt. The San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon course time limit is 7:00. I really, sincerely hope it doesn't take me THAT long. But if it does, so what? I just want to finish.